She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
