my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
