Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
