I don't usually arrange sex via text message
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I look better un-naked...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
