She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
