wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
