Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
