It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
