smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
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