Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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