my soul wont recognize me after tonight
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
