made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
