just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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