The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
