turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
