im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
