Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
