I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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