my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
