I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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