i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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