I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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