Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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