i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
