I'm really into asian looking animals
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
