dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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