Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
