her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
