On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
