after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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