Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
