I can text with my tongue
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
