you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
