and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
