so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
