Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
