it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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