my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
