Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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