I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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