if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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