I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
