I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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