I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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