Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
