did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
