I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
