I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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