Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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