Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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