I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
