Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
