Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
