the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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