I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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