It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
